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Its kind of a thing. Your partner exasperated with some behavior that you do, asked you to really work on that behavior. Your partner said they want you to make active steps towards changing. This could be seemingly smaller things like putting the milk back when you're done using it, cleaning up after yourself, or not making tone deaf jokes in company. It could also be larger things like addiction or infidelity. Whatever the case, have you gotten this request from your partne

When a couple has sexual struggles, there are often important meanings that one or both in the couple ascribe to these problems. Also, there tends to be meaning making in the way the couple has responded to these issues and to each other. There are many different sexual struggles couples endure. To explain how making meaning of sexual struggles can impact a couple, I’ll draw on examples from erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE). For men struggling either

When I work with a couple its important to me that both people are able to share and be heard. And more importantly for them to work on really hearing each other. There are times when one person has done something to hurt the other, but the first person continues to be (not just initially) defensive and more closed off to hearing about it. Part of the therapeutic work to address this is to support this individual in identifying how he/she may be using a long worn defense, th

I run a weekly virtual men's group. I believe men are often desperate for connection. And they may have more struggle than women in finding spaces where they can be heard, seen, hear others share, remember who they are, or find pieces of themselves from others sharing in the group. But often they are unaware of this need, or keep it hidden. If you ask a man in a normal conversation if he is lonely, if you ask him if he thirsts to be be known at the deepest level, you might ge

Most of us move fast in our lives. We have obligations, things to do, places to be. So it can be so annoying when there are reminders to slow down. And most of us accept at least on some level it would benefit us to be more present. So what are the benefits? Why slow down? There are important things for us to see, grapple with or realize that we are often not able to grasp at faster paces. When I say "faster paces" I am intending as a more general term for how fast and or dis

Like all things worth having, our sexuality requires work. Hopefully it does not have to feel like labor all the time. Because talking about and having playful sexuality with your partner can be fun. Sexuality is not always people’s favorite topic to bring up with their partner about what they are comfortable with, not, what they’d like to experiment with etc. However knowing these things about your partner, then putting them into experiment (not really practice) with each o

Dr. John Gottman discusses the importance of repair, and repair attempts in relationships (link below). Repair and repair attempts (trying to mend things between yourself and your partner during or after a conflict) are also vital to physical and sexual intimacy. The common phrase “make up sex” is related to this. I would argue that “make up sex” is a form of repair. It is a tool that can be very powerful, but also can be misused. It can be great when make up sex draws the in

A couples' sexuality will change over time. There are multiple factors to consider to be able to maintain a mutually satisfying sex life. One of them is the messages being communicated about your sexuality. The messages being communicated between a couple are sometimes verbalized, but are often unspoken. Some positive examples may be: I am wanted, we are connected, I am ok, I am safe, we are secure together, I’m attractive to my partner. Some examples of less desirable mes

All men don’t necessarily call their struggles with getting an erection, “erectile dysfunction”. But regardless of what one calls it, when a man is not able to get an erection when he wants to, it can be really difficult. It can impact your mood, self esteem, and your relationship with your partner. When I am working with a guy on this issue, I try to understand what some of the contributors may be to struggles with having/maintaining an erection. Included in this discussion

I once thought it’d be great if people never fought or argued. I believed that until I realized that we need those conflicts, confrontations, squabbles etc. to bring us closer to each other. Forming strong bonds happens in a number of different ways, including getting through difficult things and repairing (hopefully!) together. I have found this to be true for the vast majority of meaningful relationships. Obviously, what the conflict looks like is different depending on

It is sometimes assumed that if a man takes a PDE5 Inhibitor (i.e Cialis or Viagra), they gain an instant erection. PDE5 inhibitors are medications that help support blood flow including to the penis, and therefore helps with having an erection. However, there still needs to be stimulation and arousal to be able to have an erection. In other words, taking the medication alone is not sufficient to have an erection. So, no magic pill. But really that is good news. Because that

Oh man, so frustrating when my son does that. Or, why does she have to talk back like that? Don’t they know how annoying it is when I’ve asked them 7 times already to do something, and they're off doing something else as if I haven’t said a word? They’re just not listening. Yes frustrating. Yes annoying, aggravating. And, I would say, part of the joys of parenting. I think as parents its normal to be overwhelmed. But also I think parents can take things personally with their

The serenity prayer holds a simple but powerful message regardless of one's faith position. Here are some simple questions we can ask ourselves in almost any challenging situation: How well am I discerning what I can and cannot change? How much have I leaned into my own courage change what I am able? What degree of acceptance do I have towards what I cannot change?