What is the meaning of this!? (Overcoming Sexual Struggles)

When a couple has sexual struggles, there are often important meanings that one or both in the couple ascribe to these problems. As well there tends to be meaning making in the way the couple has responded to these issues and to each other. There are many different sexual struggles couples endure. To explain how making meaning of sexual struggles can impact a couple, I’ll draw on examples from erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE). 

For men struggling either of these, it can impact many things in their lives including their sense of manhood. There is often a quiet meaning making internally where a man may think to his self: “Am I less of a man if I can’t perform sexually? Why start something sexual when it will just be disappointing? My relationship might end if I continue to not perform sexually. My partner feeling good about their self depends on my ability to satisfy them sexually. I am broken/defective”. Depending on how he responds to or addresses these beliefs (and therefore shows up/does not in the relationship), has an impact on how his partner responds to him. Sometimes a man will withdraw sexually and or emotionally from the relationship.

When this happens his partner may believe: “I am not desired. He doesn’t care about me. I am not attractive to him. He’s left the relationship/he’s checked out. Sex is just not important to him. I’m being neglected. My needs don’t matter. He’s unavailable. This is his problem to fix and he hasn’t”.The partner in response to feeling rejected, may have an irritated tone or create arguments/conflict out of seemingly innocuous issues. Or the partner may also withdraw in response, or both. Leaving a cold void in the coupleship, where each partner seeks to find ways of getting their needs met outside of the relationship. 

The meaning that is made about the sexual struggles is incredibly important. Whatever the sexual struggle is, there can be an unspoken pain that has couples engaging less, or withdrawing from sexuality entirely. For this reason it is vital to begin a discussion with one’s partner about sexuality. In the discussing sexuality together, there is opportunity to explore some of the meanings that are often not being talked about. Often when a couple is able to have these discussions (which can be difficult to broach!) they are able to share their truth with their partner, which is often different than what their partner assumed. And even when there are more negative beliefs about the couples’ sexuality, at least its on the table and spoken aloud to begin to work through. 

Often there is relief in just having the initial discussion, which can be awkward. But there is a larger goal of building the skill to have these discussions together on an ongoing basis. Because the truth is if we are fortunate enough- we all change as we age. Which means that our sexuality will change too. And a couple who has the ability to discuss what is and what is not working sexuality, tends to have more pleasure and closeness over a longer period.