The Pre and Post Game Talk (Getting Comfortable Getting Uncomfortable Talking About Sexual Specifics With Your Partner)

Like all things worth having, our sexuality requires work. Hopefully it does not have to feel like labor all the time. Because talking about and being playful with your sexuality can be fun. 

Its not always people’s favorite topic to bring up with their partner about sexuality and what they are comfortable with, not, what they’d like to experiment with etc. However knowing these things about your partner, then putting them into experiment (not really practice) with each other helps you build your sexual relationship and skills with your partner. The hope is that you both are more mutually satisfied not only sexually, but feel more connected to your spouse. 

One of the ways to do this is to do a pre and or post game talk. Sex isn’t necessarily a game, but I’m borrowing a colloquial phrase from sports. The idea is to discuss with your partner  your experiences and preferences around your sexuality. And its often helpful as well to talk afterward about how things went for each of you. The spirit of this conversation however is crucial. Meaning there can be no blame, judgmental comments etc. We want this to be a safe enough space between you to be able to bring up vulnerable desires, things you did not like, preferences etc. If one or both of you feel like its just a blame shame thing, the success of these discussions will not go far. 

There can be disappointment or “that didn’t work” or “I didn’t like that so much”. And thats honest feedback. And the truth is feelings can get hurt. The important thing here is that your relationship takes precedence over the specific sexual things you do together. So make sure you are coming with the positivity, even when you may feel disappointed, frustrated (which you can and should voice). One example of keeping things positive may be- if you don’t like something or don’t want to try something your partner does, offer an alternative. Rather than just a “no”, provide one or other options for you to explore together so that your skills and experiences with each other continue to grow and flourish. If you find as a couple you are stuck, talking with a sex therapist is often helpful.