Unspoken Sexual Messages and Meanings

A couples' sexuality will change over time. There are multiple factors to consider to be able to maintain a mutually satisfying sex life. One of them is the messages being communicated about your sexuality.  

The messages being communicated between a couple are sometimes verbalized, but are often unspoken. Some positive examples may be: I am wanted, we are connected, I am ok, I am safe, we are secure together, I’m attractive to my partner. Some examples of less desirable messages may be: I am being compared with my partner’s ex, I wonder if my partner is thinking about porn when we are sexual, if my partner does not have an orgasm I might lose the relationship, my partner doesn’t care about me because they don’t initiate sex. When couples run into issues sexually, sometimes it is useful to look at some of these underlying assumptions or feelings for one or both partners. Depending on what the messages are, individual or couples therapy may help. This is especially true when having conversations about sex and sexuality is something that you haven't done as a couple, or is/has been off limits. 

The sexual messages in a couple, influence the relationship. An example may be, one partner having negative messages about their own sexuality. Because of these negative messages that person may avoid or distance from their partner. If they are not sharing the reasons for their distance with their partner, this can begin to create a feedback loop. Where there is more distance between the couple, and the second partner may make up different things about why their partner is distancing from them (that may or may not be true). To begin to close this gap and be closer, developing a habit of talking about what is happening both sexually and in the broader relationship with each other is helpful.