The Meaning Of Sex

In a long term couple as with most things, a couples sexuality changes over time. There are multiple factors to consider as to having and maintaining a mutual sex life you both enjoy. One of them is the meaning of your sex or sexuality. 

There are often unspoken messages (sometimes they are spoken too) communicated in a couples sexuality. Some positive examples may be: I am wanted, we are connected, I am ok, I am safe, we are secure together, I’m attractive to my partner. Some examples of less desirable messages may be: I am not as attractive/desired as my partner’s ex, I wonder if my partner is thinking about porn when we are sexual, if my partner does not have an orgasm I might lose the relationship, my partner doesn’t care about me because they don’t initiate sex. When couples run into issues sexually, sometimes it is useful to look at some of these underlying assumptions or feelings for one or both partners. Depending on what the messages are, individual or couples therapy may help. This is especially true when having conversations about sex and sexuality is something that you don’t do as a couple, or is/has been off limits. 

The sexual messages in a couple, influence the relationship. Even if its just one partner.  Lets say one partner has some negative messages about their self, in relation to their sexuality with their partner. The person with the negative messages may avoid or distance from their partner, because of the negative messages they feel about themselves. If they are not sharing this with their partner, this can begin to create a feedback loop where there is more distance between the couple, and the second partner may make up different things about why their partner is distancing from them.

As well as talking openly about sexual feelings, meanings and beliefs, having or developing a spirit of play in sexuality can be helpful. This might mean going back to old practices that felt light and playful with each other. It may mean reading erotica or other consuming sexual material together, or a number of other things. There are also books and card decks that can assist couples in being playful and or finding a spark again. Having a spirit of play within your sexuality can help reduce some of the negative messaging in a couple, and allow couples to be less int heir heads and more in their bodies with each other.