Super Basic Ideas That Can Help Save Marriages: Part 3

The third super basic idea that can help save marriages is discussing division of labor between yourself and your spouse. Couples typically have a lot of different obligations, and there are many different life arrangements in marriage. Here are a few examples of things that require time and effort in marriages: cleaning/repairs inside/outside your dwelling, taking care of dependents (kids, elder parents, disabled family members), earning money, paying bills, family trips/experiences, organizing/scheduling social time and extra curriculars and many more.

Often times the roles are assumed without much discussion. What is also common is a feeling from both people in the couple that they are doing the lions share of the labor. The goal is not to make things exactly 50/50 across the board. But to have a discussion about what makes sense and what is fair at this point in time in your relationship, and given the present obligations. As with many conversations this may require more than one sit down.

Part of the importance of this discussion is not only fairness, but also trying to make sure the partners in the coupleship are getting their needs met  This includes things like time for: exercise, adequate sleep, eating well, emotional and sexual intimacy, time with friends/supports outside one’s partner, hobbies. As a general rule of thumb, the more obligations a couple has the higher the challenge to feel like you are having your needs met. However important to factor into this is how available supports are to help in managing the obligations. So, a part of this discussion is how much help do we need, and in what form? Maybe you have your mother in law watch the kids for a date night. Maybe you choose to get a lawn service or nanny. For each couple they need to figure out their values around what they want to do their selves, and what they may ask others to step in for and help out. 

The idea seems simple. But the conversations can be difficult at times. And especially when the couple feels they don’t have the resources to ask for the help they would like. However its still important to have these discussions, at least to raise awareness as to how each partner is feeling about the division of labor. And perhaps there is a way for the couple who feels less supported, to work towards achieving that support (i.e moving to a city where family can help out, getting a promotion to have more money to pay for services etc.). But it starts with the awareness from having these discussions together. As mentioned in the last two Super Basic Ideas, having a therapist to support these dialogues can be helpful.