Must We Fight? Sometimes, We Must (Bonding Through Conflict)

I once thought it’d be great if people never fought or argued. I believed that until I realized that we need those conflicts, confrontations, squabbles etc. to bring us closer to each other. This is in pretty much any kind of relationship. Obviously, what the conflict looks like would be different depending on the type of relationship. 

Having it out with someone, letting them know where you stand and them letting you know where they stand is important to the longer term course of the relationship. I believe that each day, we negotiate our relationships. Each conversation we have or don’t have, what we say and don’t say, do and don’t do- are all agreements with each other. And over time, the more of the same types of agreements are that are met, the more they are strengthened in a relationship together. For instance, a couple just doesn’t argue, they keep everything nice. The underlying agreement is: to preserve the peace, we don’t talk about difficult things. And this has particular benefits and consequences. Or a parent who decides they will be the cool parent. And be more of a friend than a parent who sets limits. Again, unspoken agreement of that would seem to choose short term favor, over longer term quality of relationship. But we don’t get to that quality of relationship only through nicey nice all the time. 

However there are extremes. Having constant arguments where two people are constantly at each other’s throat, and it just feels destructive, and no limits to what can be said- isn’t really helpful either. There is some middle ground, to be determined in each relationship (if its parent- child, the parent is determining the relationship). Some questions towards finding this middle ground might include: how are both of us heard and respected? What is fair to argue/fight about and how? What is off limits in how we do conflict? How do we respectfully deal with disagreement? And all this is simple but not easy. It takes time (often years) and effort to figure out the balance in our different relationships, and the role of conflict in them.