Damn the check ins.

So you don’t want to do the daily check ins with each other. Or communication exercises. Ok. And how is your communication and overall relationship? The check ins and communication exercises are tools towards improving your relationship. If you are able to do this more organically, great! Do that. And if not, maybe you lean on whatever tools you’ve learned for a while until the connecting practice between yourself and your partner begins to feel more organic. Using these tools may feel more rigid, forced or prescriptive. But the trade off with using them, often is developing deeper more intimate relationship. And when you feel you are there, you can back off using the tools as much, or begin to adapt them more towards what works in your relationship.

Now, a message especially for men. Its not always the case, but often times men are less inclined to want to talk about hard subjects with their spouse. And more inclined to retreat, avoid, shut down etc. Anything we really want to take care of properly, needs time and attention and care. Men can be really good at devoting ourselves to sports, hobbies, other things that turn out to be not nearly as important than our primary relationship.

Of course have fun, of course have hobbies, hang with your buddies. All these things that take care of you, end up benefitting your coupleship as well. And, make sure that you are in the practice of working on things with your significant other. If there is not time and a mutual method for working on tough parts of the relationship, trouble is around the corner if its not arrived yet. 

And when trouble/difficult times in the relationship happen (which happens to all couples but more when things are not being worked through more regularly), it can be really easy to point the finger and externalize all or most of the troubles to your spouse. But, sorry- it doesn’t work like that typically. Usually takes two to tango. But the good news is, tough times, conflict can be opportunities to build intimacy, to come closer. And to get there, to be able to get to a better place with your spouse takes a little stick-to-it-ness, and hang-in-there-ness. Fire can and often does forge bonds. Especially when we choose to get out of our own way, decide to be a little uncomfortable, and keep the dialogue going on a regular basis in whatever form works for the both of you.