Hard Hearts Don’t Grow Much

When I work with a couple, its important to me that both people are able to share and be heard. And more importantly for them to work on really hearing each other. There are times when one person has done something to hurt the other, but the first person continues to be (not just initially) defensive and more closed off to hearing about it. Part of the therapeutic work to address this is to support this individual in identifying how he/she may be using a long worn defense, the history, pros and cons to this defense. To discuss if individual therapy as an adjunctive to couples therapy makes sense. And additionally to support the couple in starting to recognize the impact of the behavior, as well as exploring with them the related and broader patterns that tends to exist in their relationship.

And the truth is, none of us liked being called out. No one really likes being wrong. Or acknowledging how deeply hurtful our behavior has been to someone else, and especially someone we love. But when we are able to do this, to pause and consider- pretty big shifts can happen in very positive ways. 

Doing this kind of listening I believe is part of the active ingredient to progress and change more broadly, in just about any environment you can think of: athletics, business, romantic, friendships, family, personal development. It starts with our ability to hear tough criticism of ourselves. To get past the puckering/defensive phase, and soften enough to really hear the person trying to get through to us. Sometimes the person trying to get through to us is not so gentle. And that can make it more difficult or easier to hear the message depending on who you are. But if you’re able to develop a skill for listening at least for the grain of truth (even when it feels like outright criticism), there are often gems in there to help you develop and improve as a person, and in your role in a given situation. 

I also have been the person who’s pride got in the way for me to really listen. So when I am working with someone in the therapy room, and they have their heels dug in- its not easy-but I understand.