Hard Hearts Don’t Grow Much

I try to be really careful when I am working with a couple, to allow both people’s story to come out. And for them both to get the chance to be heard. And more importantly for them to work on really hearing each other. The thing that makes it difficult sometimes is when one person has done something to hurt the other, but the first person continues to be (not just initially) defensive and more closed off to hearing about it. In my opinion part of the therapeutic work there is to support this individual (and the couple) in starting to recognize the impact of the behavior. Which can cause a tension that needs to be worked through. 

And the truth is, none of us liked being called out. No one really likes being wrong. Or acknowledging how deeply hurtful our behavior has been to someone else, and especially someone we love. But when we are able to do this, to pause and consider- pretty big shifts can happen in very positive ways. 

Doing this kind of listening I believe is part of the active ingredient to progress and change, in just about any environment you can think of: athletics, business, romantic, friendships, family, personal development. It starts with our ability to hear tough criticism of ourselves. To get past the puckering/defensive phase, and soften enough to really hear the person trying to get through to us. Sometimes the person trying to get through to us is not so gentle. And that can make it easier ore more difficult to hear the message depending on who you are. But if you’re able to develop a skill for listening at least for the grain of truth (even when it feels like outright criticism), there are often gems in there to help you develop and improve as a person, and in your role in that situation. 

I also have been the person who’s pride got in the way for me to really listen. So when I am working with someone in the therapy room, and they have their heels dug in- its not easy-but I understand.