Re-building Intimacy Through Non-Sexual Touch

Sometimes couples get stuck in their sexuality for a number of reasons. One of these can be the reduction of non-sexual touch over time. For most couples they begin pretty affectionate with some mixture of non-sexual and sexual touch. And early on it usually comes very naturally, there is a desire there that does not have to be created. Over time, and in longer term relationships- the level of physical affection as well as desire can wane. Sometimes its the busyness of life, not setting aside the time, having kids, family obligation, stress, career, etc.- can put a damper on physical intimacy. There are many factors that go into building intimacy with one’s partner. These are some brief ideas on how non-sexual touch can help to rebuild intimacy including sexual intimacy. 

First to clarify- touch can mean many different things. And there is a high degree of subjectivity to what is sexual and non sexual. However for the purpose of this short piece, when I say non- sexual touch I mean as things like: hand holding, hugs, an arm around the shoulder etc. Gestures between partners that aren’t explicitly sexual. When these types of expressions of love begin to fade, often the sexual intimacy fades away as well. Reintroducing non-sexual physical touch can be as simple as acknowledging with your partner that the physical intimacy has reduced, and to mutually agree this is something important to put effort into restoring with each other. Doing so can sometimes be awkward. But thats ok! Stick to it. Like most habits worth having, there will likely be some initial effort and practice before this is more established as a practice with each other.

This may look like going back into how you use to engage with each other that felt loving and affectionate. But it also may mean trying out new ways of engaging. As you and your partner change, so to do your preferences and what you may like and not like. Be sure that you are working on communicating this with your partner. 

With this I believe there is no substitute for time spent, which helps to bolster your emotional intimacy together. Schedule re-occurring times to be with each other (think date night). For the frequency, having time together weekly or more is good. If not shoot for at least once a month if things are really busy. Depending on where you are in your relationship, there may need to be an agreement that these times are to focus on having light/fun times together (to the best of each of your ability!). Because often as you are trying to rebuild your physical intimacy, there can often be hard feelings or unresolved history between you. Its important for the long term to work on these issues as well.

As you re-discover each other over time as you are spending time together, and making effort towards re-building touch, there may be a natural segway to becoming more sexually intimate again. To reiterate- this may take some time and practice, be patient with each other. If yourself and your partner are still struggling, that may be when your couples or sex therapist can help.