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If you’re sex life is important, then act like it (and have fun while you’re doing it!:)

There are so many factors that play into a couples sexuality. Here I’ll comment share some ideas on improving the sexuality of longer term couples.

It is the exception rather than the rule the people in longer term couples have effortless, great sex. For most people after the baby, (or the second or the third!), trying to keep the house running and pay the bills and managing daily stressors- the time and energy to have a fun and pleasurable sex life seems to dwindle. The first thing is that this is completely normal. It can be easy to look around and assume everyone else is having great sex, and maybe there is something wrong with me that we aren’t. 

The real challenge is knowing this is super normal, and talking with your spouse about what you’d like to do about it. Again there are many factors that can go into a couples waning sexuality. To go into depth about this is beyond the scope of this brief writing. However talking with your spouse about the contributing factors, and seeing if you are able as a team to find ways to create space to be with each other again can be an important first step in rekindling some of the romantic flame. 

The next part can seem counter intuitive. It seems like sex should always be spontaneous or easy like it was at the start right? But no, it turns out. It takes some work. Which can end up feeling more mechanical, and maybe not how sex is supposed to be. Sometimes it can feel like your spouse is more of a stranger now, at least sexually if you’ve not been intimate in some time. It can take time to feel like you’re getting to know each other again, and having fun again. And, sometimes you can use the awkwardness to just be silly and playful with each other! But if you’re feeling stuck, despair not. There are often pathways available to having great intimacy together again (see the resources at the end of the article). 

So if its important, you may want to schedule time. Time to be together more broadly. But specifically if its not happening organically, to schedule time to touch, and work on building intimacy. And, where there are hurdles with this, to talk with your spouse about what the hurdles are. In the course of this process sometimes it is revealed that there are unresolved experiences in your marriage that need to be addressed, which can or are impacting the intimacy. Ultimately though this can be uncomfortable, it is a good thing. Because sexuality is one part (and an important part!) of our relationships. And the other parts, like how we do life together, how we raise kids together- do influence each other. 

Anyhow, lots more to this. But if its been a while, let your part know where you are at with this, and what you’re hoping for.  


Below are some resources on this topic: 

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