Things I've Learned From The Men In My Men's Group

I lead a men’s group by video on Wednesday nights. I use to buy into the idea that women are just more naturally emotionally attuned and aware than men. Women are often the primary care givers for babies and kids. They have seemed to me so much more willing and able to understand and function within the emotional world. Over the years in the therapy room, I have had many experiences with both women and men. Individually, in couples therapy and in groups. What I have learned, and especially from my men's group- is that a person’s ability to be emotionally attuned depends on the person. In the same way that every person with ADHD, every person who identifies as black, every person with “fill in the blank” attribute- is different. Another thing that I have learned (among many things) from the men in my men’s group, is that with time in the group men tend to become more emotionally attuned.

Just to clarify when I say emotionally attuned I am meaning able to infer how another person may feel in a given situation.  And to interact with another person in ways where that person feels their internal world is seen and understood. In other words emotional attunement to me is a skill to be able to understand and participate in another person’s internal world. And like a visitor to a campsite or someone’s home, it is ideal to visit that person’s internal world with a respect and intention to leave it better than how you found it. Or at the least to leave it as you found it, and not harm the topography.

And when we do harm their internal environment (which will happen frequently the more important the relationship) we take measures to repair and clean things up with them. And that process of rupture and repair is a large part of forming emotional bonds. I believe this is what connection is as well. When I hear the word “connection” my default inference is that there is no bad or hard parts. Only silky smooth, warm blankety, pupils dilated, infatuated “I am finally understood” feelings. But not so. 

So how did I come to the conclusion that women are naturally better at these skills than men? Some of the factors that may have influenced my belief that women are more emotionally attuned: my experience growing up with my two moms, my experience as a man; as a man being hesitant at times to express feelings;  experiences working with men to help them build empathy; helping men know more often what they are feeling and be able to express it; women calling more often for therapy services; women leading the charge to get men into therapy (individually and couples); and of course it can’t be understated- the impact of our cultural values and beliefs on what women and men should be and should not be doing. I’ll share a brief note on culture because I believe the impact is so heavy to everything I am discussing here. 

Culture sets the tone and pace for what is ok and not ok. And people are incredibly bound to these invisible behavior codes. So when I believe a man is not as capable as a woman to emotionally attune- what came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, its complicated. But the chicken hatched, was told it was male, saw emotionless roosters in his dad and uncles and well, you can figure out the rest. The generational trauma of non-emotive roosters just keeps going. Ok a bit tongue in cheek. Actually these days there are many emotionally attuned and caring dad’s who show up for their kids, some who are the primary caregiver. But the point I am making is its hard to really determine if men are less attuned and if so why, because of the societal norms we live in. Where men are still pretty heavily discouraged against being vulnerable.  

In the men's group I’ve noticed that over time guys seem to gain more ability to emotionally attune. This seems to happen with experiences hearing other men share and sharing themselves in more transparent and vulnerable ways. With a certain level of safety (not always entirely 100% safe, but safe enough) in the group, men seem to learn its ok to communicate things about their internal worlds with others, that they may normally have kept inside. And our internal worlds are heavily influenced by the feedback of others. In the same way that boys and men are often trained from early on to hold in, in the men’s group the training is the opposite. There is an emotional letting go and checking things out in the group context, that likely helps men to be more emotionally attuned. So men learn about their internal worlds, by hearing other men share more openly about their internal worlds. 

The men in the group come from different backgrounds and beliefs, and are at different life stages. This enriches the conversation and experience of the participants. Because they learn about a variety of different experiences that they can compare against their own life. And what I have seen happen from this group culture of acceptance, and embracing of individuality, men are apt to develop this “I am ok” feeling inside. It is an “I am ok with others”, as well as “I am ok with other men” feeling and perspective. That I am both alike and different than others, and that is ok. 

This has an impact on their relationships outside of group. When the shame inside is reduced, and they have experience being open with others, participants have shared they have been more able to share with their spouses, their kids, their families and others. 

So in conclusion, women still might be more naturally emotionally attuned. But thats not what I understand thus far. 

If you have interest in joining the men's group or know someone who would, please message me at 623-688-8292.