Sex Talk and Shame Reduction in Men’s Group

Being able to have a place to speak with other men about sex and sexuality in a plain and casual way helps men reduce their shame. The men’s group is not exclusively about sexuality, but the topic does often arise. Of course talking in healthy ways about sex can be done in an individual therapy session. And it has the potential to be greatly helpful and shame reducing there as well. But there is something about the power of the group, that adds another element to the healing. To be with other men sharing things men are often embarrassed about and to feel the acceptance from others is something different. 

Porn and stimulating images more than ever, are all around. Dating and hook up sites are common. Its pretty easy for a man from a young age (often as a boy) to begin to use their sexuality in more compulsive and secretive ways. As a stress reliever, as a way to cope, as a way to feel validated, to feel ok. The common cultural and societal messages continue often to promote old ideas about toughness, self reliance only, invulnerability. It turns out though, that men are people too. And people have feelings, need others and need direction and information. Without plain discussion about sexual urges, relationships, sexuality, marriage, shame, emotions- men can resort to what they learn from peers. What they learn in the locker room. From TV shows, influencers, social media. What they learn from associates or kids at school. 

When a man in men’s group gets the courage up to share, sometimes it is a tale of lack of sexual education, lack of support, lack of positive male figures or all three. And the path that they went on based on trying to figure things out on their own. I’ve found the men’s group is a place where a man can breathe after holding his breath for so long. About feelings, about sexuality, about shame, about who he really is. And to start to feel and know who he is, and be validated by others working on some of the same things.