The Rebel may not have a cause, but they do have pain

With the family rebel (child or adult), the anger is often obvious. Maybe its seen through using substances early (teenager) and or to excess. Maybe its punching a hole in the wall, throwing things. Hollering and screaming. Playing music so loud it bleeds through every wall in the house. Risky sexual behaviors. Generally being confrontational or contrarian. Being abusive emotionally or verbally to one’s spouse. However it shows up, the anger is often on the surface for all to see. Sometimes people rebel in more quiet ways, more passive aggressive. Whatever the case- with the role of the rebel, anger is often the red herring. Its the pain that I am more interested in. 

The pain. The difficult often unseen experiences that fuel the anger. That the anger is in response to. So often parents, partners, school systems, other systems- can get caught up in chasing the behavior. Which is understandable. People have to be held to account for destructive behaviors, there has to be order, others have to be kept safe. And, whats that person’s pain about? 

Because if that person who has taken on the rebel role is asked that, its at least a start. It may take time for them to trust that the person asking actually cares enough to listen. And that is a critical part. In my experience rebels have been faced with a heavy dose of “you’re not cared about/good enough” in whatever way that was communicated to them. Often unintentionally from a parent, teacher or partner. And when a person feels uncared about, or they don’t matter, some people rebel. 

Often the person has no idea this is what is going on inside. They are just surviving, and doing what they are doing. Until it is pointed out by someone they believe actually cares- teacher, mentor, coach, pastor, friends parent etc- they often continue in this pattern of “anger”. But if there is some buy in that they are cared about, or at least the person cares to listen to how they feel- this can be the start of a change out of the rebel role.

Obviously its not a one and done situation. In the therapy room I have seen it takes time for the person to own their story, their feelings, how they were hurt, to grieve those times and parts of their history and selves. To have the injustices they suffered highlighted, validated. Once this has happened (or at least in process), the person is more able to see, know and feel the injustice and hurt they have caused others. Shy of that, sometimes they get stuck. When they get stuck in this role, and doing destructive patterns for longer periods- these folks can land up in systems and institutions that are not interested in why they did some set of behaviors. They may not even know why they did. Rebel without a cause. But they do have pain though.