What Looks Like Anger, May Be Shame

Social acceptance, family acceptance, cultural acceptance. Here are three really important contexts to be accepted in that have an impact on how we express our feelings. How we see emotion expressed when we are young, tends to imprint itself within our bodies and minds. Often we are in relation to others emotionally in very similar ways as what was modeled to us when we were young. 

So if there was anger and conflict in our environment and not much vulnerability, how we express more vulnerable feelings may come out in more self protected ways. An example is a person who is hurt, but they don't show the hurt. They rant and rave, or rage. And it looks like really big anger coming out. And you ask, whats their deal? Why are they so angry?

When really more appropriate questions may be- What are they ashamed of? What are they embarrassed of? What hurts within them that they'd respond like that? And as always while we are understanding what may drive a person to behave, the person is still responsible for their behaviors. 

This idea is instructive for us in our relationships. Because while no one deserves abuse or crummy behavior, sometimes it helps when one person can be more in our frontal cortex to help calm the situation down. To be able to use tone, body posture and language, to communicate safety. And to be able to support that person in de-escalating. And where there is consistent safety, now we can begin to address some of the underlying shame and experiences that may be driving the big behaviors. And, we all hope- when we are having a tough moment, there is someone there for us to do the same.