At times we put our past trauma on our loved ones

When we are hurt, at times we revert back to self protection. When we do this, it can come out in a way that is hurtful to others, and sometimes in ways that we’ve been hurt ourselves. An example may be if you experienced emotional neglect as a child, when you wall off/become self protective (present day) you may inadvertently neglect a loved one. Another example may be if you experienced being yelled at often as a kid, you may yell at your loved ones today when you are frustrated or hurt. The path back to connection with self and others is a process which varies for each of us.

Often to start, we work on acknowledging our own pain about the recent event(s), as well as some of the historic pain that is connected with this. Taking care of ourselves is next (that might look like taking more time to be, prayer, meditation, contact with a friend etc.). Then reaching out to our loved one who we may have walled off, and work on re-engaging with them. Both to share what was worked up in ourselves, but also to know and understand what was evoked in our loved one by our behavior. There can be some reactive land mines along the way in these conversations. Meaning if you find yourself or your loved one saying/doing unreasonable things while you’re trying to repair with them- expect that. Find your ground, and as long as you’re able to bring the temperature back down to a relational level, keep going with the conversation from a place of openness and vulnerability, as well as curiosity about them. Sounds simple, and we all know the practice is not always so easy- but well worth it.