To Be Understood (Teens and Anger)

When I listen to a teen who has struggled with rage, impulsivity or both-one of the most important things for them to know is that they are understood. And that their feelings are valid, even if the behavior wasn’t. As a parent or someone who works with teens it can be easy to slip into a confrontational posture, and be incensed at what would appear to be an obvious and knowing manipulation tactic, blame, outburst, act of violence, deceit etc. on the part of the teen. Depending on the teen, the way that he or she is confronted matters. Some teens may take more aggressive confrontation as an invitation to engage in an argument/fight for different reasons. Some may side step, appease and continue doing what they were doing more discreetly. As adults, we don’t want either of these. There is no perfect solution, or one right answer to have a teen stop their destructive behaviors. But when someone takes the time to understand where they are coming from, this can be an incredible start. 

Often like adults, a teen may have an outburst that looks like anger. But on the inside he or she is really hurt. Again, not that this excuses the behavior. However, have you ever had a coach who was hard on you, but you knew at the end of the day had your best interest at hand? Or I should say it the other way. You knew they had your best interest at hand, and they were hard on you. 

As social beings we are much more likely to respond in more favorable ways, when we know we are part of the group. Teens are no different. Being understood, accepted and part of the group is so important if we are hoping the person will change or do different behaviors. It is in this place of acceptance that any of us would go to a more vulnerable place, and expose what the pain inside is about. But when the feeling of acceptance and inclusion is not there, the motivation to change is often taken away, and the destructive behaviors continue or worsen. So the tone of the discussion with the teen is important, as well as who it is.

Sometimes the message lands different coming form a neutral third party. From a coach, another parent, a peer, a teacher, a therapist. Where the teen is able to first be understood as to why the outburst, why the deceit. Then to address the behavior, and what they may be able to do differently to meet their need(s) in the future. Like all of us, it takes time to integrate new and adaptive behaviors. And its important that the teen be asked to take responsibility for their behaviors along the way. Appropriate consequences make sense as well. And, longer term change, growth and development of the teen is less likely to happen in healthy ways without them feeling understood.